Most people can gauge fairly accurately whether they are ready for a sexual act. It becomes difficult as soon as it comes to communicating that feeling to another person. Suddenly, something personal becomes something communicative. And that is exactly where uncertainty, misunderstandings, and sometimes serious problems arise.
Part of the problem starts with the terms themselves. Consent and assent are often confused or understood differently. Consent, at its core, describes a shared decision in which all parties actively agree — not simply "no objection," but a conscious, mutual understanding. Assent is often used similarly in everyday language, but depending on context it can be understood more loosely — for instance, as agreement that is assumed as long as no objection is raised. This very ambiguity is dangerous, because it leaves room for interpretation where clarity is needed.
And yet the meaning is actually quite clear. Active agreement to sexual acts not only ensures that everyone involved can feel safe, but also that personal boundaries are respected. It is about making sure that a situation remains positive and voluntary for everyone involved. Consent, therefore, does not simply mean accepting something — it means genuinely wanting it.
The problem is that communication rarely works perfectly. And especially in intimate situations, people often rely on signals rather than clear words. But these signals are not unambiguous: a smile can mean agreement or uncertainty, closeness can express interest or habit. Relationship context and alcohol can also play a role, further distorting perception and interpretation.
This quickly creates a dangerous space between "I thought it was fine" and "I didn't actually want that." That is exactly why it is not enough to merely assume consent. The principle of "Only yes means yes" therefore represents a far more progressive foundation — as opposed to "No means no." "Only yes means yes" makes clear that the mere absence of a no is not sufficient; only an active, conscious, and voluntary agreement counts as genuine consent.
Talking about sexuality and desires is something almost no one has really learned to do. Expressing needs or clearly naming boundaries can be difficult. Especially in new relationships or intimate moments, the fear of ruining the mood or coming across as "difficult" quickly sets in. So people stay silent, interpret, or simply go along.
What can help is not to think of consent as something grand or formal, but as part of normal communication. A simple "Is this okay with you?", "Do you want this?", or "Does this feel right for you?" can already create enough clarity without interrupting the moment or making it uncomfortable. At the same time, it can be very helpful to talk about desires and boundaries outside of specific situations. In calm moments, without pressure or expectation, it is usually easier to honestly say what feels good, what you might want to try, or where your personal limits are. The goal is to create small, clear, and honest moments — not guessing or interpreting, but asking and truly listening. What matters most is that both sides actively participate.
It is also important not to treat consent as a one-time decision. A "yes" at the start does not automatically mean lasting agreement. People can change their minds, feel uncomfortable, or suddenly perceive something differently. That is why it is just as important to check in regularly — "Is this still okay for you?" or "Are you good?"
In summary, consent does not have to be a complicated concept — it is based on mutual mindfulness, respect, and honest communication. Consent does not arise from assumptions, habit, or unspoken expectations — it arises from attention, communication, and the conscious decision of everyone involved. So talk, instead of guessing.
– Marie-Louise Fuchs, 3 March 2026